Pride is ending and I have things to say
Uhhh I kinda promised to do a post for Pride about being asexual, but I barely wrote anything this month, so I’ll try to edit an old draft. I really wanted to spend more time on it, but I had an awful creative/write block.
Ok, so.
This will be the best part of two drafts + some new commentary.
I’m a queer person, I didn’t want to admit it to myself for a long time. Not only for fear of rejection by society but also the community. I’m asexual and aromantic, and some queer people (mostly man, for some reason) think it’s a “safe” identity. They either think I will not be ostracized by people like they’re, or they simply cannot comprehend my lake of sexual attraction. Neither can some of the heterosexual people around me ( mostly woman. Mostly my mom) they think the “right man” will fix me.
A person I considered a friend (a man) was having a conversation in the group chat and said something like, “I don’t believe someone can never feel sexual attraction.” It was years ago, and I don’t remember perfectly, but I think I had just understood that I’m Ace. I was rightfully really mad at him.
You know, it is very easy to not see the signs. You think, “Well, I feel about this gender the same way I feel about this other gender. I must be pan/bi!” It is even more confusing for aces who are not Aro, because you may fall in love with a person and, not knowing better, think there is nothing more and not understand why there’s a feeling of “wrong” in their relationship.
I thought I was bi for some time. I was young, really horny, and thought libido = attraction, and I was so wrong. I don’t remember exactly what woke me up to the truth, but I’m pretty sure it was the thought of sex. A very interesting concept in theory, very disgusting in practice.
It’s difficult for asexual individuals to notice, and it is difficult for other individuals to notice too. You can lay really low, and almost no one will bother you. It does not mean being Ace is easy. The confusion, the doubts, the guilt. You want to feel “normal,” and you want meaningful relationships without sex.
You get used to loneliness. Have you ever thought that we are not raised to be alone? We just have this idea that we will find someone one day, someone to share a life.
When I was young my mom said something like “Don’t be friends with gay people, maybe the bullet that kill then will kill you too”. I never forgot it. I felt I would never be able to tell anyone. All I knew was I didn’t wanted a husband or kids, this in itself felt so wrong. Then I entered high school and meet a group of friends who were unapologetic themselves, and I took comfort in being one of them.
My mom has shown herself as homophobic and transphobic many times. She says it is because she was born in different times, but when we correct her, she gets upset and mad at us. She says awful things to us and thinks because she is not saying it in the person's face, it’s OK.
Once she cried because we were not “letting her be herself” when we corrected some very homophobic things he said. I do not need to say I will not be leaving the closet so soon to her.
She has expectations about me and won't be able to achieve them. I think she gave up on me and my sister having kids, but I think she is still under the impression I’ll get married one day. When she starts to feel something is wrong, it will be too late anyway.
The good thing is I have made a lot of queer friends, most of my friends circle actually. I never felt like I was going to be abandoned by them once they started dating, and they have been nothing less than supportive. I think of myself quite lucky for it.
Well, this was my pride post. Quite hastily done. Maybe I'll edit it better tomorrow or later.
If is not Pride for you anymore shhhh, It's not midnight here yet
Thanks for reading!
٠ ✤ ٠ • ·· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·· • ٠ ✤ ٠